The idea that teenagers don’t listen to adults is completely false. The psychological task of adolescence is the development of an organized, coherent, consistent sense of self. Teenagers need to develop an identity apart from their parents. Teens must be able to project themselves in the future with the confidence that they will be able to love and work as independent persons in their own right. This, of course, is easier said than done. Parents are influential and can easily overwhelm a young person’s first wobbly steps toward adulthood. Teens ALREADY know what you feel, think, and believe. In the presence of their parents, it is difficult for them to discern what is their own and what belongs to their parents. So this means that the child separates from their parents, literally creating physical and emotional distance so that they can determine their own uniqueness and individuality—this process is what professional psychologists call individuation.
Teens don’t talk to their parents as much because parents have a tendency to teach and correct if what they hear and see isn’t what they believe. Young people close the doors to their rooms in an attempt to experience for themselves apart from other family members. These doors are literal and figurative! They spend time away from home noting what it is like to make independent decisions and develop relationships outside the family unit. Naturally parents are going to feel this distance and they double their efforts to guide their teens. Teens will typically resist these efforts with direct and indirect messages that say, “LEAVE ME ALONE”; I already KNOW what YOU think. Thus the result is we as adults come to the conclusion that teens don’t listen to us.
Teens DO listen to their parents; they just normally would never acknowledge that fact. Adolescents listen even more to adults that are not their parents because here is another resource for them to use in their own self-discovery. This is the basis of advocacy for adolescents outside of the family unit. Adolescents can listen, model, emulate another adult that can positively influence their life thus making all involved more joy-filled. I do not use the word happiness here intentionally because parents should desire joy for their child not happiness. A person, especially Christians, can experience joy each and everyday of their life but it would be impossible to experience happiness everyday.
Remember this is a process, not an event. Be ready to embark in this process. Try not to surrender, give-up, throw your hands up and say, “I’m done.” Adults get tired during this stage of their teens life. Christian Advocates for Adolescents is honored to come along side your family and help you process. You deserve the love and joy that has been poured into your child to be returned to you as they are teens and adults. Let’s see if together can make that happen.
Grace and Peace,
Randy Griffith, Founder, Christian Advocates for Adolescents-Midsouth
